Active Listening

The Importance of Active Listening In a Friendship

How Friends Can Benefit From Active Listening

In the book The Art of Doing (buy direct) by Camille Sweeney and Josh Gosfield, people in a variety of professions talk about the things that made them successful. Erin Gruwell, the teacher that inspired the movie Freedom Writers shares how active listening changed her ability to understand and relate to her students. The authors say that active listening is "not at all the passive pursuit we may associate with listening. It requires one to listen without judgment, to hear from the speaker's point of view and to let the speaker know you understand the content of what they are saying as well as the feeling behind it."

Active listening can help with your friendships by allowing you to relate to your friend on a whole new level.

How Active Listening Is Different

Since friends (especially those that have been in your life a long time) are familiar to you, chances are you listen differently than you would with someone new or a person you really needed to struggle to understand. Good friends tend to interrupt each other, get the meanings of things without their friends spelling it all out for them, and generally have a shortcut for listening and speaking. That's great most of the time for people who are very close, but when there is a mis-communication that derails your friendship or when you're trying to get to know someone new, active listening will help you get on the same page.

To actively listen to a friend:

·         Get rid of distractions. (No multitasking with reading a menu or looking at your phone while your friend is talking.)

·         Watch for what is said, how it is said, and what's not being said. (Communication is verbal and nonverbal. In order to pick up on the nonverbal, you need to watch as well as listen.)

·         Clear out preconceived notions of what you think your friend is going to say. (This is especially important between people that have known each other a long time, because you've probably heard them talk about things a bunch of times and think you know them. To truly listen, pretend you've just met them.)

·         Before commenting or offering advice, determine if your friend is asking for this. (They might just want to vent and figure it out without your help.)

·         Go with your gut. (Is something off about what your friend is saying? Are they using a tone that isn't like them? Are they failing to mention something but you can't put your finger on it?)

·         Spend some time on reflection. What did you miss when your friend was talking? What was implied?

When to Use Active Listening

It's natural for friends to develop a shortcut with communication after a while, so active listening isn't done every time people talk. However, it's important not to get complacent about communicating with friends. Don't get into such a routine that when your friend really needs you to pay attention she has to ask.

Use active listening when:

·         You're having a lot of small disagreements. This is a sign that someone isn't paying attention.

·         Your friend tells you that you just don't get it.

·         You're confused as to why a friend is acting a certain way.

·         Things have gotten tense in your friendship and you're not sure why.

·         Your friend let you down in some way, and you're asking her to explain why.

Active Listening Lets You Understand Your Friend's Feelings

Many of the misunderstandings between friends happen when one friend is shocked that the other reacted a certain way, or had hurt feelings over something they thought was a small issue. Despite knowing our friends, there are times when we can't comprehend the way they feel. Understanding your friend's emotions behind an issue can help you decipher times when your friend is acting "out of character" (to you, at least) or has behaved in a way that is confusing to you. It helps to be self-aware so you can understand your part in things as well, or at least how you are coming off to your friend.

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