How to Be a Good Listener

Edited by anadi_indian@yahoo.co.in, Luke, Nicole Willson, Ben Rubenstein and 140 others

Listening is an essential part of communication and listening is very different from hearing. Not to be mean but, sometimes there are people in the world who are chatterboxes. A chatterbox is a person who can never stop talking. You may be one at times. These types of people talk too much and aren't very good listeners. Reading this article can change that, so read it well! Being a good and patient listener helps you solve many of life's problems and see the world through the eyes of others. It enriches your understanding and expands your capacity for empathy. As simple as listening (and acknowledging) may seem, doing it well, particularly when disagreements arise, takes sincere effort and lots of practice.

Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf... - Native American Proverb

Steps

1
Be a real friend without being judgmental: Place yourself in the other person's shoes. It is easy to get lost in yourself and to only consider the impact of the other person's "telling" on you. But active listening is blocked by your inward thinking. Instead, you must open out and look at the problems from the other person's perspective: and assume that if you had been in their shoes, you would have seen your way through the problem much faster.
- Remember you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. It is more beneficial to listen then it is to talk. People who listen more are more observant and therefore more thoughtful and have a better understanding of things.
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2
Have eye contact. Eye contact is important when you are listening. If you give your friend the impression you aren't interested and are distracted, they may never open up to you again. When someone is talking to you, focus directly on their eyes so that they will know with certainty that you are absorbing every single word. Even if the topic is not interesting to you, at least respect and truly listen to what the speaker has to say.
- Focus your eyes, ears and your thoughts only on him/her and become a good listener. Don't concentrate on thinking about what you will say next, but instead, focus fully on what the other person is saying. (Remember its about them not you)
3
Create a conducive physical and mental space. Remove all distractions and confer all of your attention. Turn off communication devices (including cell phones) and arrange to talk in a place with no distractions. Once you are face-to-face, quiet your mind and open yourself fully to whatever the person might say.
4
Stop talking and be silent. It might sound obvious and trite, but one of the biggest obstacles to listening is resisting the urge to voice impulse thoughts. Likewise, many people falsely express empathy by sharing similar or allied experiences. Both "gut" responses can be helpful, but they are usually overused and, ultimately, abused.
- Put aside your own needs, and wait patiently for the other person to unfold their thoughts at their own pace and in their own way.
5
Encourage the speaker with body language. Nodding your head will indicate you hear what the speaker is saying, and will encourage them to continue. Adopting body postures, positions and movements that are similar to the speaker (mirroring) will enable the speaker to relax and open up more.
6
Use empathetic sounding back at appropriate intervals during the conversation. It's helpful to "summarize and restate" or "repeat and encourage" the main points.
- Repeat and encourage: Repeat some things the speaker said and, at the same time, provide positive feedback as encouragement. For example, you might say, "I can see that you didn't enjoy having to take the blame. I wouldn't have either." Go easy with this technique, though. Use the empathetic sound back as a nudge from time-to-time because if you overwork it, you will come across as being patronizing.
- Summarize and restate: It is highly useful to summarize your understanding of what the "teller" has said and to restate it in your own words. This reassures the speaker that you have truly been listening to what he or she is saying and that you "got it". It also provides the speaker with an opportunity to correct mistaken assumptions and misconceptions on your part.
- Make sure to leave the door wide open with statements like, "I may be wrong, but..." or "...Correct me if I am wrong." This technique is especially useful when you find yourself getting frustrated or you sense that your listening focus is wavering.
7
Do not interrupt with what you feel or think about the "telling". Instead, wait for the other person to ask your opinion before breaking the flow of their discourse. Active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily and patiently await appropriate breaks in conversation. When the conversation breaks, provide a summary or an empathetic concurrence.
- Abstain from giving direct advice. Instead, let the individual talk the situation out and find his or her own way. This empowers both the individual and you. It is the course most likely to result in beneficial change and self-understanding for the "teller" and for you.
8
Ask meaningful and empowering questions. Refrain from probing or putting the other person on the defensive. Rather, aim to use questions as a means by which the speaker can begin to reach his or her own conclusions about the issues being raised.
- Once you have shown empathetic listening, it is time to move into empowered listening: Re-frame the questions you ask. For example, "You didn't enjoy having to take the blame. But I cannot understand why you feel blamed rather than merely being asked not to do something that way."
  - Wording the question in this manner presents the speaker with a need to respond directly to your lack of grasping something. In the response process, the speaker should begin to move from a more emotional response to a more logical and constructive response.
9
Wait for the person to open up. In the process of encouraging a constructive response, an active listener must be ever-so-patient and let the speaker acquire his or her full flow of thoughts, feelings and ideas. These may, at first, start as a trickle and the full flow may take a long time to develop.
- Keep your patience and keep your place in the "teller's" shoes. It sometimes helps to imagine why the "teller" has worked into such a situation.
10
Use Body Language to express your interest. Active listening involves the entire body and face-- both yours and that of the speaker:
- Your expression: Look interested and meet the gaze of the speaker from time to time. Do not overwhelm the speaker by staring intently, but do reflect friendliness and openness to what you are listening to.
- Read between the lines: Always be alert for things that have been left unsaid and for cues that can help you gauge the speaker's true feelings. Watch the facial and body expressions of the "teller" to try to gather all information you can, not just from the words. Imagine what kind of state of mind would have made you acquire such expressions, body language and volume.
- Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person. This way, they will know that the message is getting through and that there is no need to repeat.
11
Try to reassure the speaker that all is well. Whatever the conclusion of the conversation, let the speaker know that you have been happy to listen and to be a sounding board.
- Make it clear that you are open to further discussion if need be, but that you will not pressure him or her at all. In addition, reassure the speaker of your intention to keep the discussion confidential.
- Be Patient. If you want to say something, wait until he completes what he is saying.
12
Have empathy while your listening to create a good response
- Offer to assist with any solutions if you have the ability, time and expertise. Do not build up false hopes, though. If the only resource you can provide is to continue to be an active listener, make that very clear. This, in and of itself, this is an extremely valuable help.
13
Be attentive, even when you really don't care, at least act like it:
- Use your face,voice and body to show that you are interested in what that person is talking about
- Listen with an accepting attitude
- Ask questions which show that you like to listen
- Use ideas and emotions to try to communicate to the person
- Test your understanding
14
Use encouraging words to show you are listening:
- Mhm
- I see
- Right
- Uh-huh
15
Use non-verbal actions to show you pay attention to what is being said:
- Relaxed posture
- Head-nodding
- Facial expression
- Relaxed body expression
- Smile
16
Use encouraging words that will invite them to continue:
- Tell me more
- Let's talk about it
17
Caveats (warnings):
- Do not interrupt
- Do not interrogate
- Do not form any response while listening i.e. Keep your mind free from the "fix it" urge
- Do not change the subject
18
Avoid phrases like:
- Are you sure?
- It's not that bad.
- Sleep on it. You'll feel better tomorrow.
- Do not judge.
- Keep a smile on your face
- Try to ask gentle questions
- Try to keep things calm
- Listen calmly with out any interruption and be silent let them talk you just listen and watch after they finish now you empathsize .

Listening Tips

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Monday, May 26, 2014